OUTMATE 101

Thirty years of prison experience, gratefully on the outside, plus the urgings of one of my Board members prompted the following musings. Those of you, who either know me personally or have read what I have written over the years, will not be surprised that I hold very definite opinions on this topic.

Although perhaps one should begin with the positives, I am going to keep the best for dessert and begin with my pet peeves on this issue. In many ways of course all that follows applies also to adult human exchange on the outside, just that with the added component of death row/prison the potential for serious damage is increased.

If you are not a family member and are thinking of writing to someone on death row, ask yourself why. If the answer is that you are the kind of individual who needs heroic drama in her/his life with you in the starring role, and who likes to skim the cream off the top, don’t do it! There is enough drama there already without the extra you will surely inject. If it is pity that you are feeling, be careful because pity does not make for a friendship between equals. No different from any friendship on the outside, respect for self and the other must be the corner stone.

Respect demands that behavior is adjusted to the circumstances of the friendship. Gratitude is great, but too much not only makes for inequality but easily breeds resentment. As you know, money is the root of all evil, yet none of us can do without it. This also holds true for death row. Yes, they receive food and shelter, but then there are such things as coffee, candy, even dare I say it, cigarettes, which make life a little more bearable. If you can spare a dime, as it says in the old song, it is best to be consistent so that, just like us who count on our steady income, they can too and budget accordingly. So don’t ask if the needs anything, he does and it is demeaning for both once begging enters the picture.

Reliability is another aspect of respect, important on the street but even more important on the inside. If you say you will be there for a call, be there! A pattern for your communications is valuable, so neither one is left worrying that something untoward has happened. The same holds true for visits. Surprise visits on death row are not good. Not only is the man deprived of happy anticipation, but caught by surprise, he will most probably not be ready and precious visiting time is wasted. After all, he has to be shaven and his whites pressed for the visiting yard. And please, if you said you were coming, don’t let him down and leave him anxious about what might have happened to you.

If your response on reading this is, I knew all of that, I am glad and that is your above-promised dessert! Are there no suggestions for him? Of course there are, and actually I have a lot more for you as well. Maybe another time? Meanwhile, if you keep respect in mind, respect for yourself as well as for your friend on death row, you will do well. I can guarantee that you will receive as much as you give. As for disappointments, don’t they happen on the outside too?

Esther Brown